


Resigned

by Soraya (soraya2004), soraya2004



Series: Scenes from a courtship [4]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-26
Updated: 2006-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 19:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/Soraya, https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/soraya2004
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She has had to let Carson go so many times</p>
            </blockquote>





	Resigned

  
As a mother, one of the hardest things to do is to let go of her child. It's even harder when that child is her only son. But, she has had to let Carson go so many times throughout his life, from the day she first dropped him off at school to the moment when she realized he was a grown man, who could now fight his own battles. And, although she knows the routine well after all these years, she never quite gets used to it. So, when Carson calls at two in the morning to tell her that he's going on an expedition, that old familiar chill races across her skin. It's a sensation, which stays with her as the days pass and the seasons change; and, in the spaces between, she lives her life in a strange state of limbo.

This isn't the first time Carson has gone on an expedition, where he has been out of touch for several months. She always expects to worry about him whenever he's away, whether he can contact her or not. Only, her mind does tend to rest a lot easier if she does get to hear from him occasionally. And, while Carson _did_ warn her that that probably wouldn't happen this time, after she hears nothing at all and when no one at the Embassy will tell her how he is, she starts to wonder if something terrible has happened to him.

No one should ever have to outlive their child. It's every parent's worst nightmare; and in her darker moments, when she sits alone in the house, which Carson bought for her, she thinks about Mrs. Thomson, who used to live two doors down from her when she was growing up. The Thomsons lost _their_ son during the war, and in a village as small as Edderton, where everyone knew everyone and where neighbours were both friends and family, things were never the same after that. She still remembers how she'd been playing on the street when the men in uniform came, and she remembers how Mrs. Thomson fell to her knees screaming as those men stopped outside her house.

That image haunts her dreams at night, and its shadow trails after her during the day. And, as much as she tries not to imagine herself in Joan Thomson's place, each day that passes without news makes it that much harder.

***

On Sundays now she makes a point of going to church. She has never been particularly religious, but she hopes that whoever is listening won't hold that against her. At the altar, she always lights three candles: one for the Thomsons; another for all the parents, who are waiting much like she is; and the last one is to pray for Carson's safety.

As his mother, it's all she can do for him from here.

***

One morning, when she comes back from church, there's a young man waiting on her doorstep. He stands ramrod straight when he sees her, and he says, "Ah, Mrs. Beckett, I presume?" in a tone that's formal enough to convey respect without being overly pompous.

Though he's not in uniform, his light summer suit is completely out of place in the village, and something about the way he surveys the passers-by reminds her of the people, who sometimes show up wearing sunglasses at night to take Carson away to those urgent meetings of his.

That's when she realizes this man is here because of Carson.

"It's about my boy, isn't it?" she asks him.

When the young man doesn't reply at once, her heart starts pounding. And, from the way he keeps shuffling his feet and how suddenly he can't quite meet her eyes, she thinks this can only mean bad news.

"Is Carson-- is he-- " She can't bring herself to say the word *dead*. Not about Carson, about the beautiful boy she raised. But, despite her sudden loss of speech, the man does seem to understand what she means.

"Oh, no, ma'am, Dr. Beckett is alive and well," he replies hurriedly, and if anything he looks even more uncomfortable. "I just realized I hadn't thought things through," he goes on to say, giving her a guilty look. "I should have picked you up from church instead of letting you walk all the way back. I do hope you'll forgive me."

She takes the hand he stretches out, and she lets him pull her toward him, where she leans against his chest, closing her eyes for a second. Carson isn't dead! The relief is so intense she can hardly breathe through it. "Oh, thank-you, God, thank-you so much," she whispers, and in that moment, she swears silently that from now on she'll be a better mother, a better person, _anything_ God wants if He'll just continue to keep her son safe.

Then, she hits the man over the head with her handbag.

"What in God's name is wrong with you?" she yells at him. "Scaring a helpless old lady like that?" She takes another swing at him for good measure. But, by this time, the man has figured out that she means business, so he backs away quickly.

"Ma'am, please," he says, dodging her blows all the way. "There's a message-- " he reaches into his jacket. "It's from your son-- " he tries to duck then to avoid a particularly vicious swipe, which still manages to catch him on the shoulder. "Here, look, just _take it_ \-- " and he thrusts a small package out at her like a shield.

"Oh, fine, be off with you then!" Lowering her handbag, she snatches the package right out of his hand. "But mark my words: if I catch you here again, you'll not be getting away so lightly," she warns him.

With a grim kind of satisfaction, she watches the man dash over to a car parked across the street. Aye, she's more sprightly than she looks! And, while she could definitely chase him down to really give him a piece of her mind, she has better things to do.

***

The video goes a long way toward easing her most immediate worries. Carson is _alive_ ; she can _see_ that as he talks to her on the recording. But, as she watches the new lines of strain on his face and the way he's obviously trying so hard to be brave, all the old fears come rushing back. Despite the sunny tone of voice, there's a deep well of sadness in Carson's eyes, as though he knows they may never see each other again. He reminds her about her prescriptions; he tells her to keep taking her daily constitutionals; nothing about where he is or why he looks so drawn.

"I'm sorry I couldn't see you before I left; it really was quite sudden, Mum," he explains. And, if the enthusiasm in the words he chooses so carefully starts to sound a little forced, she can't fail to notice that.

Somehow, this particular expedition isn't going according to plan. She has always been able to read Carson well. It doesn't matter whether they're face to face or speaking over the phone with miles of ocean between them; she can always tell when something's wrong with her son; and, something is very wrong now. Wherever they've sent him, whatever's happening, he's terrified!

"Oh, Carson," she whispers desperately, and the tears are streaming down her face. Because, more and more this is starting to look like some sort of _death bed_ message.

"Mum, it'll be okay, I promise," Carson continues after a while. "The team's the best in the world. And, I know I've mentioned all the military we've got with us. Actually, I think there are four of them to every one of us, so that'll be more than enough to keep me out of trouble."

She can tell he doesn't want her to worry, even though he still sounds scared out of his mind. So, she grits her teeth, then she wipes her eyes, and she makes herself a promise that she'll do her best to stay positive for him.

***

After a brief lull, the videos start to come once a month. It's hard for her to describe the sheer pleasure she gets from them, however short they may be. Just seeing Carson and hearing his voice is without a doubt the high-point of her month; and, soon she starts to think that maybe Carson might appreciate getting something similar.

So, she buys one of those digital video cameras, which she sets up with the help of her gardening club. Berniece Scanlon is the only one of those ladies with a shred of technical ability, so it's Berniece, whom she asks to stay behind to man the camera afterwards. She feels a little foolish during filming, even though she knows it will all be worth it in the end. And, again she's proved right when she gets her next message.

Carson is so thrilled his eyes are brimming with tears all the way through. "It's so good to see your face, Mum," he keeps saying. "Really, you have no idea! It's just so good to see you again."

And, from that point onward, digital video becomes her number one choice for letter writing.

She tends to film herself around the house, usually in the kitchen or in the garden, where Carson is most used to seeing her. What she tells him is, for the most part, local gossip mixed in with news about the village. _He_ usually sticks to his office and to giving her advice on all the local politics. And, while it's not anywhere near the same as having him there, it's far better than nothing at all. She _does_ wish they could talk more openly, though, about where he is, or what he's doing, or why his eyes look so haunted all the time. But, ever since Carson started working with the kind of people he works with now, she knows not to ask such questions.

Still, whenever she films one of those messages, it's always on the tip of her tongue to tell him to just pack it all in and come home. It's not like they need the money. She has a tidy little nest egg saved, more than enough for both of them; and, besides she knows that her boy is so brilliant he could never be out of work for long. But, years ago, when Carson had showed signs of being something of an adventurer, albeit the kind who looked first before leaping, she made him a promise not to be the type of mother, who tied her son to her apron strings. No matter how much she wanted to shield him from all the evils of the world.

She's not about to break that promise now.

***

One day, the video she receives is a little different.

At her request, Carson has started filming his messages around his infirmary to give her a flavour of the kind of work he's doing and how he spends his day. On this occasion, he's perched on the end of one of the beds telling her in annoyingly vague terms about a medical breakthrough that he thinks he has made. Suddenly, in the middle of the long description about amino-acids, Carson leaps off the bed and runs out of shot.

"Och, Ronon!" she hears him shout. "Look at the state of you! What the bloody hell have you done now?"

Then, Carson comes back into the frame bringing with him a huge hulk of a man, whom he steers onto the bed. This _Ronon_ , she presumes, is streaked with dirt and something she has a horrible feeling might be his own blood. His hair, which hangs in long dreadlocks about his face, doesn't quite manage to hide a fierce looking scowl, and he just sits there cradling his right arm, watching her boy set up around him.

"It's just a scratch, Doc," he mumbles after a while. "I only came because Sheppard ordered me to."

"And a good thing too," Carson mutters right back. She can see the expression on his face is stuck somewhere between worry and exasperation. Yet, every time her boy touches this Ronon, whether it's to tie those dreadlocks away from his neck or to lay a steadying hand on his shoulder, she can't help noticing how careful he is with him. "Come on, let's get this off you, shall we, so I can take a look at it."

Together, they work to remove Ronon's jacket. It's a slow process, because Ronon winces each time he has to move his arm and Carson is clearly reluctant to cause him any further discomfort. But, they do manage to get it off in the end, and when Carson finally gets to examine Ronon's injuries, what he finds really sets him off.

"Good God, man, you call that a scratch? And, I suppose if someone _had_ succeeded in hacking your arm off it would have been a small cut, eh? What have I told you about this kind of thing? Come on, now, out with it; what have I told you?"

"That I'm supposed to come to you if I get hurt!" And, from the resigned way Ronon answers, she can tell that he and Carson have had _this_ particular conversation several times.

"Aye! So, you _can_ hear me under all that hair!"

If she's not mistaken, Ronon actually _growls_ at her boy then. But, that barely even makes Carson pause for breath.

"You're supposed to come to me if you get hurt," he goes on to say. "I don't care how trivial you think it is. Because, knowing you, it's _never_ trivial, is it?" There's an audible _snap_ when Carson pulls his gloves on, which sounds almost as frustrated as he does. "Honestly, why can't I ever get a normal patient," he complains. "I've got Rodney on the one hand, who's here for every bloody paper cut. Then, there's you, whom I can barely even get _in_ here for love nor money. What I really need to work on is a way to bloody well combine the two of you into one person!"

She's absolutely riveted now, because she has never really seen Carson like this before. Part of it is the chance to watch him at work. She has always known him to be an excellent physician, but what she sees of him now makes her very proud. Despite the gruff tone of his voice, Carson's hands remain gentle. He treats Ronon with the utmost care, slowly cleaning Ronon's wounds before stitching them up, all the while keeping up a monologue about how Ronon can't afford to neglect his health and what Ronon is or isn't allowed to do as part of his recovery.

It's a speech she finds oddly familiar.

From Ronon, there's a lot of eye rolling and sighing, but he seems to accept her boy lecturing him with a wry kind of amusement. Whenever he looks at Carson, she sees only warmth in his eyes, and when Carson looks at _him_ \--

She hits the pause button. Then, she takes a very deep breath before she decides that a drink is in order.

***

Two days and several glasses of scotch later, she loses count of the number of times she has watched that video. Still, that doesn't stop her watching it again and again, even though she already knows the whole thing by heart. Because, she can't imagine how she could have missed something so important about her own son. No one knows him better than she does. Yet, there it is on tape, right under her nose.

She analyses each word, every single glance; and, every time she watches Ronon and Carson together, even though she'll often find something new in their interaction, in the end it always boils down to the same thing:

Carson isn't going to give her any grandchildren.

***

One thing having a doctor for a son has taught her is the concept of getting a second opinion. So, the following day she invites Berniece over under the guise of needing some help with her filming equipment. They watch the tape together, and Berniece stays silent through most of it, right up until the point where Carson starts cleaning Ronon's wounds.

 _That's_ the point at which Berniece bursts into tears.

"My Douglas is gay," Berniece tells her in between sobs. "He came out to me a few years ago. I didn't handle it very well at the time, and we really haven't been close ever since."

"Oh, Berniece, I'm so sorry," she replies, laying a supportive hand on her shoulder.

Berniece leans into it and she sniffs noisily before adding, "Do you know he got married after Christmas when that new law came in? He didn't invite me, his own mother; can you believe that?"

From her point of view, she's a little disturbed by the speed with which Berniece has leapt from Carson suturing wounds to the topic of marriage. But, she puts it down to the extreme emotional stress Berniece is under and she tries not to worry about _that_ as well. After all, she knows her own son well enough to know that he's not in love with this Ronon, so a gay wedding isn't something she has to deal with, not yet.

She clings to that one small mercy while she continues to comfort her friend.

***

After Berniece leaves, she drinks another glass of scotch, letting the smooth single malt warm her from the inside out. The video is still paused at the point where Carson is cleaning Ronon's wounds. So, she sits back down in front of the screen and she stares at it while her stomach twists itself into knots. And, when she hits the play button again so she can watch her son and this man and the way they are together, her heart is in her throat the whole time.

Because, whilst Carson is definitely _not_ in love, he's almost there. And, to anyone who knows him well, it's blatantly obvious that it isn't going to take much more for him to _get_ there.

Already, she can see the threads of that connection winding through their friendship, and, more importantly, how they're both feeding it, Carson with his open concern and Ronon with the subtle way he lets her boy know that only _he_ gets to treat him this way. They want things from each other, and the things each one of them needs the other seems to want to provide.

And, truthfully she has no idea how best to handle any of this.

***

In the end, she decides that she's not going to make the same mistakes Berniece has made. Crying in a friend's sitting room about how her son doesn't speak to her is not a place she ever wants to find herself. So, before she can change her mind, in the next care package that she sends to Carson, separately she wraps up a haggis, some short-bread and a few other bits and bobs, which she knows Carson's not too fond of. Then, on the cover she writes the words:

_'For your friend Ronon! I hope he gets well soon!'_

And, despite her plan not to second-guess this decision, again it feels like she's letting go. This Ronon is not what she would have chosen for her son. Whilst the choice isn't hers to make, if it were there would be a good Scottish woman and lots of babies in Carson's future. A part of her hopes that she's wrong about what she thinks she has seen. But, she's seldom wrong about these things, not when it comes to her son.

Ronon, she says to herself, thinking about the big, strapping young lad she saw on that video. From the look of him, he's clearly not Scottish. But, Ronon is a fine Irish name, so at least he's not English. No, _that_ would just be a little too much to accept!

She knows it's important that she be the one to make the first move, especially since she's still not entirely comfortable with the idea of Carson being with this man. And, she knows that one day Carson will want to bring Ronon home to Scotland to meet her. God willing, she'll still be in good health when that happens. But, until then, she'll take all the time she can to get used to the idea.

  
The End.  



End file.
